I have always loathed camping. I have never seen the point in paying to sit in a miniature house made of nylon in a muddy field while it chucks it down outside. I enjoy having built in plumbing and central heating that make it unnecessary to have to go outside when you want a wee.
So for some ridiculous reason, I decided to go to a festival this year – Beach Break. I was excited to try slumming it for the first time in my life whilst getting to see some of my favourite musical acts. I wanted to see what it was like to be with a group of like-minded individuals, all there to enjoy themselves and soak up the atmosphere.
I first knew something was going to go wrong about a fortnight before. The weather forecasts were dire. My best friend had pulled out weeks before, and usually optimistic, even she was laughing at the misfortune that was about to occur: “lol, it’s gonna piss down and you’re gonna be wet and cold and you won’t be able to dry off and you’ll be miserable.” Thanks, babes.
Then I realised the sheer amount of stuff I was going to need, which meant the others would need just as much. After this, I remembered the size of the tent, and I was worried. However, I was totally optimistic and looking forward to it until I saw the state of the portaloos after only one afternoon. Good God, some of you creatures are revolting. That said, it could have been worse. I could have gone to the Isle of Wight festival. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. I mean, I hope you had a lovely time, regardless.
So it is with my experience that I realise I must bring to the masses a survival guide of sorts - a list of hints and tips that will make your life more enjoyable whilst you’re sat in a pool of mud, crying for your mummy to come and bring you home.
- Get a good tent. A very good
tent. The best you can afford. You’re going to be spending a lot of time in
that when you’re unwilling to go out in the torrential rain. Make sure that
you’re able to put it together properly before you get there, too. A practice
run or two will help wonderfully. Make sure you always get a tent that has room
for one more person than you actually have in your party – you never know, you
may meet someone. Or you might just want some room for your bags as well.
- Do not pack your entire life
into your suitcases. You aren’t at home, nobody cares how crap you look and
that you haven’t washed your hair in three days. Embrace looking terrible and
wearing the same clothes for four days!
- On this point, baby wipes.
Buy ALL the baby wipes you can find. You’ll need them. Oh, and earplugs,
because nobody needs to be kept awake by the next tent constantly shouting
"ain't nobody got time for that!". Ain't nobody got time for that.
- With the space that you save
in your bag by not having clean pants in there, you can take extra alcohol and
bacon based products. These are the two things that you’ll miss most, I promise
you.
- Leave your good standards at
home. Once you’ve seen the state of the toilets you’ll have forgotten what
being toilet trained and having a sense of decorum is like. I’ve seen some
terrible sights – if you’re the girl who decided to just go for a wee in the
middle of the queue for the toilets, or the girl who decided she needed to
remove her tampon right outside one of the tents, well, hello to you!
- Eat something strange every day. The most exciting thing I had was a pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw and barbecue sauce. I dream about that thing. Best life choice ever. Thanks be to Becca Taylor for having introduced me to that school bus eatery of dreams.
- Make sure that all of your
clothes are waterproof. Do not wear jeans. Do not wear hoodies. If they get
wet, they will never get dry again. Remember, you are waterproof, so maybe
being perpetually naked is the best way forward.
- Also, don't take a onesie. Everyone takes them, and do you really want to turn up in the same outfit as everyone else? No.
- Don't listen to your friend who comes over for drinks the night before who shares the exact same view of camping as you. It won't make you feel any better about it, no matter how much of someone else's vodka you drink.
- I can only hope that some of you will take my advice. Remember, the second you get home, you are going to fall onto your bed, and you are going to immediately pass out for the next three days. You will be exhausted and you will reek. It will however, be completely worth it.
I’ve signed up for Glastonbury next year. I've already sourced myself a dry suit and a snorkel for the occasion.
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