Exam hints and tips, from Dr Lewis*

It's that time of year again, folks. Time to file into that stuffy little room where you'll inevitably get that crappy desk that wobbles at the slightest touch, where the clock is too far away to see properly, and the invigilator with halitosis insists on checking your student ID for far longer than is strictly necessary. Yes, it's the summer examination period. For many, this is the last that you'll ever sit - the tests that you have to sit when you sign on are far easier, I promise you. For some, this is the first round of summer uni exams, and it's you that I'm really aiming this post at.

Here are Catrin's top hints and tips for how to get through the exam period; but remember, the majority of it is down to luck, and how much information you've managed to squeeze out of your lecturers before the exams.

1) Make friends with your personal tutor. Some of them are privvy to quite a lot of exam information. I find that sneaking off for fags with them or refusing to leave their office until they tell you what's going to come up to be the best options, but you may find something like notes wrapped around bricks put through their window is a good way of breaking the ice.

2) If this hasn't worked, make sure that you check Blackboard and bug your friends for notes. Going to lectures is for wusses. University is supposed to be hard, don't make it too easy on yourself. Remember, Wikipedia has done so well for a reason.

3) Make sure that you're well rested, well-fed, and ready for your exams well in advance. By 'well in advance' I mean, start revising that core module three days in advance of the exam. You don't need sleep! The fear will keep you awake, along with those good friends Red Bull (other caffeinated drinks are available), and crappy take away pizza. Remember, cooking takes up valuable time when you could be crying into your textbook.

4) Going to Sin/Oceana/JCs the night before will help keep you alert and hydrated. Everyone knows that Jagerbombs are good for you - the combination of herbs in the liquor (definitely one of your five a day) and the stimulating properties of that cheap caffeine filled juice that looks like wee is a definite winner.

5) Always remember your student ID card and a spare pen. Don't be the student in the room that everyone wants to smack because you have to have some long conversation with the invigilator while everyone else is trying to concentrate because you were too dumb to remember this vital piece of plastic.

6) Wear lucky pants or take a lucky pencil, not a bear/mascot/photo. There was a girl at college who would take this massive teddy bear to sit in some of our exams. That stuffed thing stared me down through some of the scariest exams of my life, and I swear that if I ever see it again, I will rip it's smiling face off.

7) If you're not a fresher, don't be friends with freshers. They ALWAYS have multiple choice exams. You're supposed to get wank cramp in your wrists in the middle of your two hour exam. If your writing isn't terrible by the mid-point of your exam, your wrists are either too well exercised, or you haven't done enough writing yet.

8) However, making friends with the class swot is the best plan you can make. Invite them over for coffee, bribe them with cake, provide sexual favours if you have to, but you need those vital details that make or break the 40% benchmark.

9) And remember - if you don't like the exam questions, you can always bite the invigilator and just leave university.

Good luck, everyone! Apart from freshers. You only need 40% and don't deserve luck. If you can't get 40%, I'm sure McDonalds will have a special space for you in the back room.

*I'm not a doctor, but I want to do a PhD just so that I can have it on my Boots card.